Soul Thumping

Strangers in Our House - A Home Sellers Hell

In May of this year, Poseidon and I put our house on the market.  We went through the entire process of making our lived-in home look like an unlived-in squeaky clean doll house, at our realtor's insistence.  We rented a storage unit and moved many of our more fun belongings into the storage space so that our home resembled something like a house maintained by a Stepford wife.

For 6 months we made the bed every morning upon rising, wiped down everything we touched, vacuumed more than should be legal, and scooped cat poop out of the litter box every morning (that is a lie...I scooped it out once or twice each week, tops).  We made sure toilet lids were down, cat hair was swept out of sight (which usually meant under the rug), our goofy Cleveland Browns night light in the bathroom was tucked inside of a drawer--I mean really, who wants to buy a house from people who actually root for Cleveland?  I even went as far as making sure our more liberal magazines in the bathroom magazine bins were shuffled to the back--I mean really, who wants to buy a house from a pair of socially liberal thinkers?

Poseidon and I actually kept a nice, clean, neat household for nearly 6 months.  We did this because strangers were/would be going through our home.  Strangers who would decide if our home was good enough to become their home.

Now, when I started writing this post, my intent was to mention that we've decided to take the house off the market and Poseidon and I will more than likely turn our apple-pie tidy house into a trash pile that could double as a model home for an episode of "Hoarders."  However, after mentioning the bit in the above paragraph about strangers exploring our home, my train of thought chugged down another track entirely:  there were actually creepy strangers in my home!

Not only did these interlopers peer into every room in our house, they examined and critiqued every nook and cranny.  One such ass, I mean, prospective buyer, went so far as to comment about a little tiny spider web that attached itself to our bedroom window while we were on vacation.  Give me a break you boorish nimrod, I mean prospective buyer.  My cat can knock down a spider web with one little whisker.  Spider webs aren't permanent fixtures that convey in a real estate transaction you degenerate, I mean potential buyer.

Another inane home shopper broke off a piece from our living room window (probably while trying to open it).  A woman house shopping for her daughter and new son-in-law commented to me personally one day while I was working with flowers in my yard that our house was just lovely, but she didn't like the fact that our neighbor had a sail boat parked in his driveway.  She said in a snarky voice, "Is that thing always parked there?  I don't like that at all."  I looked at her said, "Yup, it's been parked there since I bought the house 3 years ago.  I don't think it has ever seen water."  Why is this petticoat house shopping for her newly married daughter anyway?  I wanted to punch her in her face so she could go back and report to Buffy and Biff that our neighborhood was not a good fit for them.

What makes me smile the widest smile now, after the fact, is that on at least 3 occasions, our cats (they probably took turns) puked the most pulchritudinous hairball piles that in no way could have gone unnoticed.  If only we had had a video camera installed to capture the horrified look on the faces of those blockheads (I mean potential buyers) as they tripped the light fantastic over our cat's "welcome to our home" offering.  Ah, that does make me feel better.

 

--Fortuitous Observer 

The Leaves Have Begun Their Journey to the Ground...and I Can't Find the Charger for the Leaf Blower

Today is a quiet mid-August Sunday morning, and of course Poseidon is still asleep, so I'm enjoying my solitude and catching up on Facebook, emails, and all things electronic.  I noticed several brown leaves falling from one of the large oaks in our front yard.  It has begun.  Summer is subtly fading into autumn and I'm usually excited by this change, even though I a sun bunny.  I will miss the coconut smell of sun screen and lotion, and the smell of chlorine from the neighborhood swim club and the bright sun that makes sure my body is well equipped with its much needed Vitamin D!

I won't miss the swim moms dropping their spawn off at the swim club, that is for sure.  Poseidon and I have come close to death on more than one occasion this summer by the inability of these swim moms to drive like they've had a license for more than 20 minutes.  Seriously, there should be a sign near the swim club entrance that reads, "Got a uterus?  Don't Even Try to Parallel Park."  The other evening, Poseidon and I were driving on our street, past the swim club, when a woman in an SUV decides it's safe to do a U-turn right in front of us!  We had to slam on the breaks, and I honked the horn and I guess she was so embarrassed she took off like a bat out of hell down the street.  We had managed to survive yet another moronic assault by the swim moms!

Anyway, back to the tranquil part of this morning.  Though the falling leaves are a sign that summer will soon come to the end of its annual reign, I'm ok with it this year.  It's been a summer filled with decision making and preparing our house to go on the market, having strangers parade through our home, critiquing it, scrutinizing it, etc.  Leaving one job, beginning a new one.  Having been married for a year now (1 year on August 28th) without incident, though had we not had someone come in and install the new toilet we tried to do ourselves, the word divorce may have gotten batted back and forth.  So long summer of 2011.  I'll miss you when mid-November is here, but you will be back again.  You've never let me down, and unless the Aztec calendar is right and we are all going to crash and burn in 2012, I suppose, if I'm lucky enough, I'll see you again and again.

 

--Fortuitous Observer

I Blame the Bolts Holding the Toilet to the Floor

Poseidon and I are getting ready to put our house on the market, which means some home improvement is needed, but neither of us are what I would call "handy" (which is a crying shame because my father was a carpenter and an airplane mechanic crew chief in the Air Force and Poseidon's dad, though an Econ. Professor by day, he was a sculptor/builder on the weekends), so we are totally winging the home improvement projects (in other words, we are probably going to have to pay for people to come and fix the shit we royally screw up).

My problem is (who am I kidding...like I only have "1" problem) my time management skills suck beyond belief (which isn't good because I'm a project manager) when it comes to home repair.  For example, we are re-tiling the bathroom floors, so I think it should only take an hour total.  OK, that was about 6 days ago.  I realized we needed to take the toilet up, and silly, stupid me, thought it should take only 5 minutes to unbolt the toilet from the floor and put it in the hall.  The bolts are 30 years old and corroded beyond repair, yet I didn't take that into account.  It took a couple of days to get the toilet off of the floor.  I won't go into the entire pathetic, slit-my-wrists-now story, but we had to order a new toilet from Lowes and we are going to spring for the $99 charge to have them install the thing.

I blame God, Buddha, Vishnu, etc. for swinging down the hammer of karmic retribution.  Everything unsettling (aka life) that happens to me I blame everyone within a 50 miles radius plus God, Buddha, and Vishnu, then I start dwelling on everything  bad that has ever happened to me, including stitches in my head, sore throats, a nail in the bottom of the foot, growing up poor, not getting to buy the coolest socks, my father dying, etc.

If I could only blame the bolts instead of me, I think we could make real progress...

 

--Fortuitous Observer

 

I'm Retracting my original Post: Who the Hell Does NC Communications and Time Warner Cable Think They Are?

UPDATE:  Thank you both NC Communications and Time Warner Cable!  OK,  I have to update here and give a big thank you and an apology for being so rude to Time Warner Cable and NC Communications.  I received an in person apology from NC Communications after Time Warner contacted them.  I have to say that the apology and Time Warner Cable stepping in (I sent an email to a rather high-up person within TWC), gives me a new appreciation for both company's desire to keep customers happy and to fix a situation.  I appreciate it and thank you again for fixing my lawn!  

 

NC Communications, Inc. a subcontractor for Time Warner Cable, illegally trespassed on my property, and destroyed my lawn with their equipment.  They did not ask, and they did not receive any permission from me, the homeowner to park a large piece of machinery smack in the middle of my front yard yesterday.  They have destroyed my front lawn!

I arrived home yesterday (Thursday, June 24th) evening from work to find a large piece of machinery in the middle of my yard. This piece of a machinery (a "ditch witch") moves on moving track wheels, similar to a tank, and it destroyed my lawn, causing holes and large ruts. This company, NC Communications, Inc. did not ask permission to park said contraption in my yard.  I was (and still am) livid.

I immediately phoned NC Communications, using the phone number plastered on the side of their truck, also parked on the street in front of my house causing an issue if a fire truck would have to come down that street.  I left a message for them to contact me immediately, and they did not.  I sent several email messages and they have not responded.

I don't know who NC Communications think they are, but as they are apparently a subcontractor to Time Warner Cable, it appears that Time Warner Cable is allowing this to happen:  illegal trespassing and destruction of personal property.

I left a very stern message for NC Communications, Inc., and they have ignored my calls and emails.  I have just lodged a formal complaint against NC Communications, Inc. with the BBB, and I have also emailed the General Manager of Time Warner Cable about the situation.

Again, I gave no one, not NC Communications, Inc., not Time Warner Cable, permission to park a monstrous piece of machinery in the middle of my yard, and I want to be reimbursed, or better yet, I want NC Communications, Inc. and Time Warner Cable out there repairing the damage.

I am the homeowner.  I own this property.  I work hard to hold onto this home and property and I will not allow corporations like Time Warner Cable and NC Communications, Inc. to destroy what I've worked hard for.

 

--Fortuitous Observer

Can Sheetrock Be Considered Wallpaper?

So my downstairs bathroom is covered in pink and white striped wallpaper (circa 1970-something) and I'm finally tired of looking at it.  I bought my home in September of 2008, nearly a year ago, and I haven't done anything with the downstairs bathroom.  I'm trying to decide if I should put my house up for sale, and I want to make sure the bathroom is redone before then.

I bought some chemical wallpaper remover a few weeks from Lowe's and I decided this week will be the week I actually tackle the issue.  I've never removed wallpaper before, so this was a new experience for me.  I started on it yesterday evening, and I got the first layer of wallpaper off (that would be the lovely pink and white striped wallpaper).  I've discovered that the previous owners of my home had another layer of wallpaper on the wall, so I spent most of today removing that layer, which appeared to be light beige.  Why not just paint the wall light beige?  Why go through the pain of papering the wall light beige?

Anyway, I took a step back to survey my work and I realize that I've now removed what appears to be the paper layer on the sheetrock covering the walls.  How is that possible?

Because I'm tired and I cannot afford to call Bob Villa, or even a distant cousin of Bob Villa, and because I have a better than average imagination I've decided to "pretend" in this case.  Because the previous home owners (who, according to my neighbor, were nut jobs anyway) decided that it was fine to put up plain beige wallpaper, I'm going to pretend that they also felt it was fine to put up plain grey wallpaper too!  That means I'm not removing the sheetrock actually, just another layer of wallpaper!

--Fortuitous Observer

The Idiot Homeowner, Gardner, etc.

I just bought my very first house in September of 2008, so I've been a homeowner for nearly 8 months.  I know nothing about owning a home, except that I'm responsible for everything, and I don't have to throw away money paying rent anymore.  I know nil about home repairs, property taxes, lawn care, landscaping, pest control (except the insects that my cats maul, leaving them near death and in pain flailing about on my floors each morning), trash collection, leaf collection, keeping the driveway clean, etc.  I've lived in urburbia for the past 16 years or so.  I had "people" (a.k.a. landlords and maintenance staff) who took care of such things.  Now, it's just me.  I'm solely responsible.  I've discovered something:  I am an idiot.

I wouldn't give myself the title of idiot unless I was sure it fit.  I'm sure.  From the very beginning, before I even closed on the house, I should have realized that I was in over my head.  When I was checking rates for homeowners insurance and they asked me what kind of pipes were in the house, I said, "I don't know, round ones."  I wasn't trying to be funny.  I honestly believed that to be a helpful, sufficient answer.

Once I signed the papers and moved in, the first thing I wanted to do was paint.  I bought primer, brushes, rollers, paint, etc. and thought I was all set!  It turns out that when priming, you don't actually have to put a solid coat of primer on the wall, and, you should either go side-to-side or up-and-down, not both.  My brother informed me of that after paying a visit to my home while I was out of town for work to check on my cats.  I'm glad I wasn't there when he saw it because his laughter would have been entirely too much for me to handle.  I'm sure he is still laughing about it now...several months later.

A few weeks after moving into my new house (after the painting fiasco), several of the electrical outlets stopped working.  I searched the attic for chewed wires because of the plethora of squirrels who congregate on my property.  I searched the crawl space, sweeping past spiders and other creepy-crawlies I couldn't identify, looking for chewed wires there.  My cousin Anthony (thanks Anth) put the idea of squirrels in my head.  Turns out, a breaker had tripped.  I swear, I looked in the box and saw nothing.  I called electricians and they simply flipped the breaker, and left with a check for $65.00.  Oh, but they did tell me this happens to a lot of people.  Yeah, sure it does, but I appreciated them trying to make me feel like less of a dumb ass.

Two months after moving in, my heat was no longer working (and it was cold and snowing).  Fortunately my soon-to-be-sister-in-law phoned her ex-husband, who happens to be an electrician (and lucky for me, they are on speaking terms) and he rushed right over to diagnose the problem.  He asked me where the heating unit was and I took him outside and showed him the outside heat pump.  He looked at me a bit strangely and said, "Umm, that can't be everything.  I need to see the actual heating unit."  I thought that was the heating unit, but I showed him the crawl space under the house that had other pipes and ducts, and bingo, that was it!  Hopefully he didn't share that episode with his other electrician friends.

It turns out the heating problem started with the thermostat shorting and melting, which melted other things, which caused the heat to stop working.  He bought me a new thermostat, the new kind that's programmable (of course, I paid for it).  He cut me a deal in the price I believe.  The next month, my energy bill went from $239 to $570!  Turns out I was using what is called auxiliary heat.  I was wondering what AUX meant on the thermostat.  Now I know.

When I mentioned to my boyfriend that I would like to put some more plants in the front yard, he suggested we go to a nursery.  I thought he meant to pick out babies.  He meant plants.  I'm not good with plants.  I've killed plants that other people have told me are impossible to kill such as aloe and cacti.  Yup, I've killed them.  I don't have a green thumb.  I don't even have a green finger nail.  I accidentally "broke" one of the rose bushes planted by the previous owner.  I touched the stem to look at it, and it snapped it.  The rose bush is dead.  I'm guilty.

Now that I've been here for 8 months, I'm finally comfortable with changing light bulbs, pulling the trash and recycling containers to the curb on Monday nights, and watering, but not touching my plants.  That's about it.  I did order the Gardening for Dummies and Home Maintenance for Dummies books.  They are on the book shelf in my study, gathering dust.

I thought being unemployed would give me time to do things around the house and learn to garden, but as it turns out, I probably shouldn't...

Visit this great blog I found for DIY information:  http://mydiyhometips.com/.  I spend a good deal of time there.

--Fortuitous Observer

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