In keeping with the new year theme, I thought I would be serious for a second or two, so I asked myself if I learned anything in 2009 and my answer is a shy, "Yes, yes I did."
I learned in 2009 that I'm a whiner. Some inconvenient things happened to me this year: I got laid off, didn't feel well most of year, both physically and mentally, and had a couple of worrisome potential health issues. My hair started breaking off in small pieces (I'm told due to stress), started snoring for the first time in my life, thought my cat (my baby) may have cancer (turns out he doesn't, he just pukes...too much), worried about losing my new house, unemployed for 7 months, oh, yeah, and I turned 40. There are those who endured far greater problems than insignificant me, yet I whined.
I learned in 2009 that I can survive all of this shit (sorry Mom, I'll try to be more lady-like and clean up my language in 2010, though it isn't a huge priority), though I considered giving up many times. Some days I didn't want to get out of bed at all and it was an internal struggle just to face another day. It really is hard to keep a smile on and whistle the "Brady Bunch Theme" song in your head when you have to dog paddle like crazy just to keep your head above water. Grin and bear it? Ha, ha, screw that. It's impossible to just pretend all is well in the land of make believe. Life isn't make believe. Sometimes it's hard, but it can be navigated (maybe not always in the most convenient or direct route).
I learned in 2009 that life isn't supposed to be easy or fair. If life was easy and lovely everyday, it would be nirvana, not the daily grind we call living (or survival in some cases). I also believe in karmic retribution and I've pissed someone off big time. I know that. I also know that I've taken many lumps and I've given out some lumps, but I'm still trying to erase those bad karma points, one at a time.
I learned in 2009 that no one is going to do my living and take my thumps for me. It's up to me, and me alone.
I remembered in 2009 that I have an inner-self that is stronger than I am right now or could ever be and she used to be in charge. In 2009 she quietly waited in the shadows and spoke in a tiny voice to me sometimes, just to remind me she existed; that she was there. She is getting louder now and she tells me she is cold in the shadows and she would like to come out and play again.
--Fortuitous Observer
