Last night I found myself staring into the glow of my fireplace, trying to lose myself in the dancing orange flames. As usual, my mind started taking little trips of its own, and I sat back and let it go. I started thinking flames, flicker, heat, fire, naked man. What? Did I just say naked man? That's right, naked man.
When I think of fire, I think of the naked man who visited our home one morning (approximately 2 am, on a school night) when I was in the fourth grade (or it could have been the fifth grade...once one hits 40, grade school seems like one big year instead of many), because he wasn't just naked...he was on fire.
The drama started around 2 am when our front doorbell rang. My parents got up immediately, and as the doorbell continued to ring, in an urgent sort of way, my sister and I crept out of bed to check out the action. My dad opened the door to find a skinny naked man and his hair, or what was left of it, was on fire. His skin was red and blistered, and smoke was billowing from his body! His clothing had melted away!
This strange man told my parents that his car had exploded up the street and could he please get into a bath or shower and run cold water on his body because he was burning. My parents rushed him down the hall and into the bathroom, which is of course when my sister and I noticed he was naked (and smoking, mostly his hair). My parents helped him turn on the cold water and one of them called the police.
Now, there really isn't much else to tell of this story. I suppose this may have been my first naked man sighting, but it was a blur because he was on fire, which captured my attention more than his nakedness. It turns out, he was stealing gasoline from cars in the neighborhood and he was putting the stolen gasoline into large open containers in the trunk of his car, which of course, caused an explosion. He was naked, on fire, and stupid.
I can't really remember what happened next, but I believe the police came to our house and promptly arrested him, and that was the end of that. The lessons learned from my little flashback into childhood are these: if you are going to steal gasoline, make sure you put it in closed containers, and, if you have an unexpected naked visitor on fire at 2 am--or anytime--grab your camera, because no one will believe you the next day.
--Fortuitous Observer
