We were flying low yesterday (aka biking). The weather was perfect and the trails weren't super busy; however, there was a murder. My bike tire was the weapon.
I accidentally killed a copperhead snake. He was sunning himself on the bike trail. I didn't see him and he didn't see me, until it was too late.
These things bother me. I know copperheads are venomous (though their bite is usually not fatal), but I don't want to be responsible for one's death. I won't even kill roaches. I let Poseidon do that.
The further and faster we rode, the better I began to feel, but still bummed at having taken the poor snake's life.
On our return trip home, we stopped off at our usual watering hole for late lunch/early dinner, beer, and football. Poseidon pushed our bikes together to lock them to the pole, and he said, "Look, our bikes are in love."
He was right! The bikes appeared to be hugging. This cheered me right up and made me say, "Awwwwww." Poseidon has a way of cheering me up and he usually doesn't even know he has.
I snapped a picture of the two-wheeled lovers so I can remember the day.
I discovered last week that my car has a small round hole in the front bumper. The hole appears to be the size of a hitch, like those found on pickup trucks. I'm not too upset about this. I mean, I'm pissed off, but I'm not sneaking through the neighborhood at night inspecting every neighbor's vehicles for black cherry paint...yet.
I know that the mysterious hole in my car is karmic retribution. I got what I gave, which is why I'm not making a big deal about the thing. I won't re-blog the entire post about my side swipe incident (I've linked to it for anyone interested in reading it...the ending I'll admit is funny), but here is an excerpt:
One Saturday night I drove us to our favorite bar for a few beers. It was around 2am when we left the bar, and I was going to drop Mitch off at his house. I was driving down Pine Street, which at some points is extremely narrow, and wasn't well lit then (still isn't).
There was a car behind us, and as he was trying to pass me, Mitch yelled to me, "It's time you drove like a true Philly girl. DO NOT let this car pass you." Fueled at the thought of becoming a real live Philly gal, or just one too many beers, my foot pushed the gas pedal in and the chase was on. I held my own for a few blocks, but the car took the lead on my left side then we both had to stop at a red light. When the light turned green, I tried to regain my lead, but just as I was ready to pass him, we noticed a car parked on the street, and there was no avoiding it.
OK, I side-swiped the heck out of that car, and I'm not proud. I would have stopped and left a note (it was 2am) with my information, but the Philly girl in me had just been established and Mitch screamed, "Keep going, keep going, I saw a police car back there."
The next day...
VOICE ON THE INTERCOM: "Ms. S., this is Officer O'Malley with the Philadelphia City Police Department. I need to speak with you about a hit and run accident that occurred early this morning."
So, there it is. My poor car is blameless in this game, but karma doesn't give two hells about that. I've apologized to my car (and silently, to the car I side swiped in Philadelphia, so many years ago) and I will have the bumper repaired shortly, and we will be done with that. However, my car repairs are second to Poseidon's car repairs. While backing out of our driveway, he whacked his car into a tree. What did he do to cause karma to come collecting? I know, I know! He has consistently mocked my backing out of the driveway skills (or lack thereof), making me hang my head in shame for nearly 3 years. Thank you karma. He is no longer laughing.
It is no secret that I'm caught up in the Christmas spirit this year, more so than in years past, and I'm trying to keep this train of cheer and goodwill toward man chugging forward, but it is also no secret that I'm a cynic, I'm convinced many people should undergo forced lobotomies, and I'm easily annoyed with stupidity; therefore, Christmas shopping in a public store/mall is a true ordeal for me.
Happily, I've done most of my holiday shopping online and have not had to endure many trips to public places where I'm more than likely to encounter rude, entitled miscreants. It is this lack of interaction with dimwits that has allowed me to keep my good mood and Christmasy cheer intact!
Because even the most conscientious of people, those who know the spoken and unspoken rules of what constitutes good behavior in a polite society, can become a subnormal dolt while out and about during this festive season, I want to remind everyone of a few Christmas shopping rules of etiquette:
If someone holds a door open for you as you juggle your purchases say, "Thank you." If I hold a door open for you and you do not say, "Thank you," I'm going to let you know that you didn't say it, and I will be sure to let everyone within earshot hear me schooling you in Christmas shopping etiquette.
Do NOT walk around in circles like a dimwit talking on your cell phone in the middle of a store like you would if you were home. Why? Because YOU ARE NOT AT HOME! You are in a public space where people do their shopping and they do not need, and most importantly, want to hear your banal conversation about...ANYTHING!
This could be lumped in with number 2, but enough impudent donkeys do this that it requires its own bullet...texting while standing in the middle of an aisle in a store as others are trying to shop around you is not acceptable behavior. What shocks me about this is most of the offenders I encounter are not teenagers, they are the moms of teenagers. I know you are trying to show everyone what a hip cool chick you are and that you have an iPhone (that your husband has to keep showing you how to use), but holding up other shoppers and forcing them to go around you isn't cool. Put it down, or go sit on a bench and text your bff. Maybe you think you can shop and text at the same time, but you CAN'T. I know, because I CAN'T!
It is the Christmas season, and people will be shopping, stores will be crowded and you are not the only one in the store. There WILL be lines at the registers, for the bathrooms, for food, etc. You are not entitled to ask others in line if you can go ahead of them. I was asked this a few years ago by a woman who was huffing and puffing and shuffling around in line because she was mad that she, Queen of the Land of Faux Fur and YSL Bags, had to wait. She asked me (in a very haughty manner) if she could go ahead of me because she only had 2 items and I had 4. I gave her my gargoyle stare for many seconds and said nothing. She slipped back to her place in line, didn't say another word and I'm sure she had nightmares about me that night.
If a sales clerk has done nothing to you, or has given you no reason to be a cad, then DON'T. Trust me, they don't want to wait on you anymore than you would want to wait on them. This also goes the other way around: Sales clerks, if I haven't been rude to you, don't be rude to me. Thank you.
Lastly...baby strollers that are 6 feet wide. Ladies, if you can't get a babysitter, and you don't have a small "appropriate for tight quarters" stroller, then stay home and do your shopping online. I don't mean to offend anyone with children, but the monstrous strollers that could double as freight haulers are not befitting for crowded stores. I was shopping in a small (and I mean S M A L L) gift shop once, and the owner of the boutique posted a sign just outside the door that said "No Strollers Allowed." Of course, an entitled, rude dragon-woman brought her stroller inside because that sign was clearly for everyone but her, and this stroller was so wide it wouldn't fit down the aisles. As I was looking at some cards, she stood there waiting for me to move out of her way and when I didn't, she started clearing her throat. I won't repeat what I said to her, but some of the other patrons actually clapped for me. Woman and stroller swiftly left the store. Please don't be rude and expect everyone to work around your rudeness.
That is all. I hope everyone is having a lovely Christmas season so far! Stay safe out there, and wear chain maille if necessary!
I'm in one of those moods tonight, and I'm not sure why because I had a great day...oh yeah, until I went to the dry cleaners.
My dry cleaners have a drive through window to drop clothes off, and having just had surgery, this window is awesome, because I don't have to get out of the car..until tonight.
I pulled into the parking lot, and was in the ONE WAY lane (big white one way only arrow spray painted on the pavement), pulling up to my dry cleaners, when a stupid yahoo pulled right in front of the drive through, the WRONG WAY, parked, got out of his yahoo truck, and with his clothes and walked into the cleaners.
I was pissed. I had no choice now except to park, which I did, gathered up my pile of clothes and got out of my car and hobbled into the cleaners. I stared this ass hole down the entire time he was in the store, and he couldn't even look at me. He forgot stuff and went out to his truck to get it, and Mrs. Lee (the owner) took my clothes and she gave me my pick up receipt. I still continued to stare said jack ass down. He was afraid to look at me.
I left the store, and was getting in my car as he was slinking back to his truck, and I said to him, "Maybe next time you might want to take notice that you are going the wrong way in a one way lane." He of course, being a stupid North Raleigh dickhead, said something stupid back to me, when I said, "Blah, blah, blah...I don't speak dumbass. Try a differnet dry cleaner next time, one for intellectually deficient dick wads."
He didn't respond, because he couldn't. I might be judgmental, but my parents, thankfully, taught me what it means to do the right thing and be polite (I'm sure this ass wipe parks in handicapped spaces too), and if you do something wrong that inconveniences me...I will be more than happy to take on the responsibility to teach you the manners that your dumbass parental units neglected to teach you. That is all.
In keeping with the new year theme, I thought I would be serious for a second or two, so I asked myself if I learned anything in 2009 and my answer is a shy, "Yes, yes I did."
I learned in 2009 that I'm a whiner. Some inconvenient things happened to me this year: I got laid off, didn't feel well most of year, both physically and mentally, and had a couple of worrisome potential health issues. My hair started breaking off in small pieces (I'm told due to stress), started snoring for the first time in my life, thought my cat (my baby) may have cancer (turns out he doesn't, he just pukes...too much), worried about losing my new house, unemployed for 7 months, oh, yeah, and I turned 40. There are those who endured far greater problems than insignificant me, yet I whined.
I learned in 2009 that I can survive all of this shit (sorry Mom, I'll try to be more lady-like and clean up my language in 2010, though it isn't a huge priority), though I considered giving up many times. Some days I didn't want to get out of bed at all and it was an internal struggle just to face another day. It really is hard to keep a smile on and whistle the "Brady Bunch Theme" song in your head when you have to dog paddle like crazy just to keep your head above water. Grin and bear it? Ha, ha, screw that. It's impossible to just pretend all is well in the land of make believe. Life isn't make believe. Sometimes it's hard, but it can be navigated (maybe not always in the most convenient or direct route).
I learned in 2009 that life isn't supposed to be easy or fair. If life was easy and lovely everyday, it would be nirvana, not the daily grind we call living (or survival in some cases). I also believe in karmic retribution and I've pissed someone off big time. I know that. I also know that I've taken many lumps and I've given out some lumps, but I'm still trying to erase those bad karma points, one at a time.
I learned in 2009 that no one is going to do my living and take my thumps for me. It's up to me, and me alone.
I remembered in 2009 that I have an inner-self that is stronger than I am right now or could ever be and she used to be in charge. In 2009 she quietly waited in the shadows and spoke in a tiny voice to me sometimes, just to remind me she existed; that she was there. She is getting louder now and she tells me she is cold in the shadows and she would like to come out and play again.
Now that the new year and decade is immovably upon us, I've been doing the obligatory reflecting and I've realized that I have done some asinine things in my life. I don't think I'm apologizing for them because these things, no matter how idiotic, have assisted in shaping me into the person I am today, good, bad, or insane. I just feel like sharing.
This list is by no means a "no stone unturned" catalog of confessions. I'm sure I've done things not included in this little lineup that I'll be reminded of at some point, either in this life or my next one as a bug (not to mention, my mom may be reading, and I don't want to give her a heart attack...yet : )
·Made rocket fuel in the 3rd grade from a number of household cleaning products and tried to ignite it with my dad’s lighter
·Mixed Pop Rocks and soda together to see if I would explode (I didn’t)
·Hitchhiked drunk with my friend Josie (I won’t use her real name) one night just for laughs – oh, and because we were drunk
·Asked a cabbie in Albuquerque if he knew where I could buy pot.Also asked him why Bugs Bunny never made that “left turn at Albuquerque”…he didn’t know the answer to either question
·I’ve broken all of my toes, on both feet, at least once.This really isn’t my fault.I have brittle toe bones and no control over their snapping into pieces.I stopped going to the doctor long ago.Now I just make my own little splints from nail files (or popsicle sticks, but I rarely have those) and tape
·When I was 8, I stuck a bunch of straight pins in a girl’s hand because she wanted to join our club and that was how she would prove her worthiness
·Accused the same girl of stealing the club’s money (an entire 20 cents), even though she didn’t, so we could have a reason to kick her out of the club
·Destroyed a neighbor’s garden when I was 9 (along with my sister and our best friend Jenny) because he was mean and we didn’t like him
·Purposely sang the wrong words to the song “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” (you know…”Shitty Shitty Bang Bang) when I was 5
·Taught a 4 year old little boy that I was babysitting how to strike matches (no one asks me to babysit their kids…it isn’t a good idea)
·Stole a pack of Tic-Tacs at a newsstand (that was really an accident, I did plan to buy them but absent mindedly stuck them in my pocket while looking through the magazines – I think I even went back and paid for them)
·When my twin sister and I were little and took our baths together, I always peed in the tub, but told her I didn’t
My sister bought a Christmas card once that had a beautiful holiday scene on the front, and inside the card read, "Merry Christmas, but just remember at 12:01 am on December 26, it's back to F' You Charlie." I remember laughing out loud at this card because it seemed so true, and this year was no exception. After Christmas, I was witness to many people out to prove they had not one ounce of holiday spirit left in their bones.
The Sunday after Christmas I decided to go to a local shopping area to see if I could find Christmas items marked down, and of course, I wasn't the only person who had this brilliant idea. However, I think I was the only one with the brilliant idea and a touch of holiday spirit still left in me.
I was in a great mood while shopping and I found some beautiful birds for my Christmas tree for next year. I also found some cool yule candles for the dining room, and few other things I didn't really need but when the sign says 50% off, I'm on a mission to buy something whether I need it or not. Anyway, I won't go through all of my purchases and bore everyone into a 2010 coma. The real treasure at this after-holiday sale was the people-watching. The store should have charged for the people-watching. Everyone knows I love people-watching and I had reached nirvana.
As I was shopping, I noticed a grumpy,cross old man not far from me. I noticed him because he loudly called one of the store workers, "girl." I'm serious. He said (loudly), "Hey girl, I need you to help me." That almost made me want to lose my holiday peace and love attitude and kick him square in the nuts, but as always, I refrain because I don't think I'll like jail. It's just a feeling I have.
Apparently Mr. Disagreeable Grumpy-ass wanted to buy several prisms that were hanging on a display Christmas tree. When the "girl" told him they weren't marked down because they were not considered "Christmas" items he lost it! "What do you mean these aren't Christmas items, they are hanging on a darn Christmas tree aren't they?" Yikes! The poor sales clerk was amazing. She seemed to ignore his jackass attitude and politely said, "Yes sir, they are on the tree because we had no where else to hang them, but they are not 50% off because they are not Christmas items. However, we will be happy to call the owner and see if she will give you a discount." He seemed to accept that answer and the sales clerk called the owner of the booth (this shopping area is like a large store with consignment booths, so each "booth" is owned independently). Turns out the owner of the booth said she would give him 20% off the prisms and no more.
Now, I don't know how the story ends with Mr. Petulant Pants, because I was in line at the check-out area when all of this was going on, and my transaction was complete, so I promptly left the store before finding out if Mr. Grouchy accepted the 20% deal, although I did hear him say, "20% isn't enough" as I was leaving. My fantasy of what happened is this: he refused to take the prisms at only 20% off, and as he turned to leave, he tripped over one of the many fully decorated Christmas trees in the store, had to ask for help getting untangled, but all the "girls" were helping other customers.
I cringe at the crunching sound made by a roach as it's being squashed. I nearly suffer from spasms when I accidentally step on a ladybug or a beetle when I'm outside. I used to separate sparring ants with sticks or blades of grass when I was a kid because I didn't want the ants to fight and hurt each other. Spiders skeeve (I don't even know if that's a word) me out beyond explanation, but I go to great lengths to keep from killing them (including pretending I don't really see them, that I'm just having a "flashback").
In my early to mid-twenties I studied Buddhism for a time, and having a good grasp of karma, I don't like the idea of taking the life of another living creature, no matter how much the creature gives me the willies, lest we meet again in another life! The other day I had my boyfriend Pat kill a roach that was crawling on my living room floor because I thought I would hyperventilate. He did it, not me! I'm safe. When I visit my parents in Florida, they like to go fishing in the ocean. I break out in hives thinking about hooking a fish and being responsible for it's death, so I usually decline to fish and just stick to reading while on the boat. I'm not a vegetarian, and I love seafood, but I don't want to be the actual executioner.
It is this disdain for killing that allows the ugly gray moth in my bedroom to continue to live. He came through an open window during the night last week and he can't seem to find his way out again. I keep the window slightly cracked (enough to let the moth out, but not my less-than-brilliant cats--I don't have the screen in the window and I doubt they would land on their feet from the 2nd story window) in order to precipitate his departure but he hasn't picked up on it yet. So, for the past several nights he has parked himself on my bedroom ceiling, right above my bed. I stare at him, noticing how ugly and creepy he is and wishing he would leave. I won't kill him but he doesn't know this. His only instict is to survive and he doesn't know how long I will allow that, so he makes as few moves as possible, unable to get back outside. I don't want him to leave the ceiling and land on me, so make as few moves as possible at night so as not to startle him into flying around. The moth (I've started calling him Harry), I am sure, does not want to be in my room anymore than I want him in my room. We are at an impasse, he and I.
Ah, karma. It is grand, especially when one sees it in action! There are many definitions of karma out there, but the most simple one (in Hinduism and Buddhism), is the idea that the effects of one's actions and thoughts determine his destiny in his next life. I also believe that it is not only the next lives that are affected, but the present life as well. In short, what comes around, goes around, and does it ever!
I've titled this post "Part I" because I see examples of karma biting someone in the ass everyday and I'm sure this will not be my last posting on karmic retribution (not as long as people still exist on this planet).
Last week I pulled into the same gas station I always do for the necessary fuel up. I'm very conscious about making sure I pull all the way to the furthest pump so that other people who may pull in behind me don't have to squeeze around my car to get to a pump. That's just me. I'm polite that way. Anyway, on this particular day, a woman (I'm using that term lightly here) pulled to the very first pump she came to and stopped. The problem was that a delivery truck was parked to the side, almost parallel with her car. As I pulled in, I noticed I couldn't go around her to get to the other pumps because of the delivery truck. Because she had just stopped and got out, and had not started pumping her gas yet, I--very politely--asked her if she minded pulling her car to the furthest pump ahead of her because I couldn't get around. She glared at me and in a nasty voice, venomously hissed, "Yes, I do mind, I'm in a hurry." Okee dokee. I sat, stunned, for about 2.5 seconds thinking of all the vile names I could launch at her peroxide-bleached head, but I didn't.
After 2.6 seconds, I decided perhaps I could back up, then back my car up to the pumps on the other side (my gas cap is on the driver's side), but another vehicle had pulled in behind me (unaware that he would not be able to go around her as well because of the parked delivery truck) and foiled my plan. Uggghhh. OK, I eyed the distance between her SUV and the delivery truck and came to the conclusion that perhaps my little Scion could squeeze between her SUV and the delivery truck. I held my breath, tried it, and success, barely, and I mean barely clearing the side mirror of the delivery truck! I pulled to the very first pump. Unfortunately, the car that pulled in behind me was too large, so he had to back up and go to the other side.
I get out of my car and take the gas cap off. I wanted to pluck the inch and a half long fake hot pink finger nails off of that "woman" and push each of them individually into her eyes, but I didn't. I'm 40, and unemployed. I didn't want to add convicted felon to that delightful list. So, as I'm pumping my gas, I notice she is kicking the gas pump and yelling, "Why isn't this working, damn it!" She then stomps off inside to presumably yell at the cIerk for the machine not working, then comes back out within seconds, gets into her SUV and pulls up to the next pump, the one right behind mine! By this time I was almost finished pumping my gas, but I was so curious at what was taking place. After pulling to the middle pump, she gets out of her SUV and tries pumping gas again, and immediately starts kicking this pump! Did she not know what she was doing? Were both pumps really not working? Or, was it karmic retribution? I think the latter! I put my gas cap back on, gave her a quick look and sweetly said (really, I did say it sweetly), "Hmmm, maybe it's karmic retribution?" I'm sure she didn't know what it meant, but I gave a quick smile and a quiet little laugh, got in my car and drove off. I'll repeat my opening line: ah, karma. It is grand!
